Today I am sitting in a Joe and the Juice in West London after seeing my girlfriend (let’s call her L) on her lunch break. We sat in the cemetery by the hospital she works in and ate pitta bread and then spoke about something that happened last night with our other partner. I am in a throuple with two women, which I feel like sounds much more exotic than it actually is. We are all lesbians, and there are three of us, so most of the time we are talking ourselves in circles until one problem is solved and another arises. Okay maybe I am being cynical - I love both of my girlfriends very much and we do much more than just talk about our problems. Like last week I went to Sicily and then Copenhagen with my other girlfriend (I’ll call her K) and I spent most of it very sun-drunk and regular-drunk.
I’m not supposed to drink at all because I am on immunosuppressive medication for my skin. I had TSW last year, so it was this or scratch myself to death. I wish I was joking. It was like torture. The doctor told me I shouldn’t drink or smoke or go in the sun, but I have stupidly been doing all of those things. It’s not that I don’t care about my health (I do, although it probably doesn’t seem like it) it’s more that I spent the majority of last year crying and covered in bandages in my teenage bedroom, and I think a part of me is terrified it will all be ripped from me again, so this year I have been car crashing through the months to experience everything I can, just in case.
Something that made me happy this week was sitting with L in the cemetery. She always smells like leather and spiced perfume and I like leaving bite marks all over her when we have sex. I don’t know if this is oversharing too much. I should probably anonymise this blog at some point. Anyway, that made me happy. I also liked going travelling with K. She’s a DJ, and when I am watching her backstage or dancing in a crowd and waiting for her to finish playing I feel very at peace. I was in a relationship last year with a girl who wouldn’t or couldn’t call me her girlfriend, despite the fact that we dated for a year. She was so avoidant and so fucking boring in her avoidance. I love PASSION. And YEARNING. Where was the fucking love or joy in telling me “we’re still getting to know each other” after a year of speaking every day, helping each other through chronic illness, staying up for hours speaking to each other, and falling asleep on the phone together? I used to not have my name on here just in case she found it, but I hope she finds this now.
One thing that made me irate with anger this week was the discovery that there are certain “creators” on Substack who are calling the process of creativity without AI “inefficient.” (See comments.) This made me so angry that I felt like trying to call up Julia Cameron herself to ask if she would take a break from writing life changing spiritual books on creativity and consider tracking this person down herself, if only to hit them with a copy of The Artist’s Way.
I want to see art by humans!! That has been made through experiences, through love and joy and sorrow and anger. A robot making something, or rather regurgitating it from scraping the work of actual artists, equates to me not caring in the slightest about whatever it is. I also thoroughly believe you cannot call yourself an artist in any universe if you have not made your art. Creativity needs a beating heart.
I also wrote a story this week that I really like. You can read it here if you are interested in seeing queer people in a very worm laden apocalypse. I also heard back from my agent after two months (!) with an update on how the latest read through of my debut novel is going. Sometimes I’m like well I’m a signed author, and I used to pray for that one fact to be true amongst everything else in my life, so actually things can’t be too bad. Which is still true. I am still in awe that at some point in the future I will have an actual book that I wrote out in the world.
Other thoughts / things I’ve had this week:
my girlfriends and I are currently trying to find a throuple friendly bed (a double just isn’t cutting it)
I received photos of my dad’s vegas wedding to his third wife, wherein an Elvis impersonator officiated and him and his new bride took photos inside a limousine style green Hummer. (It was a lot.)
I should start doing Pilates again
xoxo Adara
A lot of this made me laugh a lot