I like to collapse

talking to god, talking to me, talking to you

I used to be one of those people on the tube, coming and going into the stomach of the city like some virus. I used to sit in an office and talk about KPI’s and targets like they were very important. I never thought they were important. I used to work in a crystal shop, and then I stopped that because I was losing my mind. I am in my room most days now. I talk to God in my room. I don’t think I believe in God, but I still capitalise his name just in case. I talk to the cat. I talk to my friends. I really love my friends. I look at full time jobs. I look at part time jobs. I look at paid and unpaid jobs, then I stop looking at jobs at all. I text the woman I am dating and remember that I haven’t seen her since July, so I go and look at jobs some more. She got sick and then I got sick. And since we are both sick, she can’t see me and I can’t see her. She lives very far away, across the ocean far away, and I love to be touched so when we met I thought this was a great idea. I touch myself instead. I think about fucking a lot, like how we used to. I think about laughing on the street and in restaurants and at parties with her, when we both had the energy to. I tell myself that we will do that again, just as soon as we are better. I need to get better. I think about going away on a trip. I should work harder. Me and the woman I am dating watch shows or movies most days and she asks me if I think she is getting better and I say yes, you are getting better. I don’t ask her if she thinks I am getting better. I think I am getting better. I am on medication that makes me very sleepy. I sleep a lot now. I miss my dad. He doesn’t deserve me. I talk to my mother. I write things that I show to no one. I pet the cat. I think of getting a job. I remember that I burnt out. I tried to be good at the office but I collapsed instead. Now I can collapse in my bed, instead of under fluorescent lighting, instead of in the dark, instead of in a stranger’s arms, instead of in a bar, instead of on the train, instead of in the streets, instead of on the Internet, instead of in a meeting, instead of in an email. It’s nice to collapse like this. I want to ask the woman I am dating if she will collapse with me, but I think we are already there.